Heal,  Journal

Ready to Love by Amy Jindra

I’m so ready for love.

I bought a magic candle in East Village and now I’m ready for love.

Well, kinda.

Dating comes easily for me, intimacy does not. Being close to a man and revealing my true self can still send me into a tail spin. I am holding onto so many old stories. Stories I am currently burrowing out. The wounds however, are closing slowly.

Not too long ago, I met an incredible man. Christopher was a Bumble match. It wasn’t just a physical appeal, there was something about him. Looking at his Instagram made me realize how in tune I am with this stranger. It was full of Osho and other radical philosophers I vibe with. I needed to know this man. So I told him that.

It was a Saturday and I was on a date with a really nice guy. We were dancing and having fun, Christopher still in the back of my mind. I received a text around 11pm “Do you want to go for a walk?” I immediately jumped into an uber to meet this alien. He was unlike any man I had ever met.

Christopher didn’t try to impress me, I don’t think it occurred to him to try. We walked around for hours, not talking about anything in particular. My feet were blistering so we made our way to a late night restaurant. Except it ended up being an underground drunken lounge. Neither of us wanting to drink, we just sat close and stared at each other.

I still don’t have words to describe this encounter. Some people get you high, some make you comfortable. Christopher let me breathe. It was like my soul exhaled when we met. I could sit in silence around him forever. Except he is intelligent and curious and open.

I ended up practically in his lap, which is very unlike me. The closer I got, the cleaner I felt. His skin smelled amazing. His hand brushed against mine at one point. It registered as scalding, but didn’t burn. It was incredible.

At 4:30am, we reluctantly said goodbye. He didn’t kiss me, but I was okay with that.

Three days later was a new moon and I was putting together my ritual for the next cycle. Surprisingly, this man wanted to come. After meditating and releasing our intentions to the universe, he asked me about tantra.

I then led him in some breath work and a heart opening exercise. When we opened our eyes, the energy had shifted. We were charged and very aware of each other’s bodies. He slowly leaned down to kiss me. It was the most magnetic kiss I have ever had. It was slow and solid, like we had all the time in the world- a trait I can no longer live without in sex. No man has ever had me on the edge of an orgasm with just a kiss. I can’t tell you how long we kissed, but we ended up in my bed some time later. Our bodies moving over another, exploring, instinctual. I had a brief moment of panic “What if I get triggered?”, “Is this too soon?”, “Do I trust him?” Something ancient in me had all of the answers. We took our time devouring each other. Eyes opened, connected, writhing, sweaty.

When I closed my eyes I felt so connected to God. When I opened them, I saw two black orbs reflecting my wonder. I was able to pray and tune in- something I’d always read about, but had yet to experience. Five hours later, we laid side by side in my bed.

“Do you like to cuddle?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” I usually didn’t, but with him I was dying to try.

My skin loved being wrapped in his. At one point I was triggered. He was on top of me, something that can easily throw me back into a dark memory from my past. As I began to shut down I heard his voice: “I’m an alien. I’m a little alien.” It brought me back to pleasure and my orgasm. He hadn’t said these words out loud, but they held so much meaning for me. He is unlike any man I have ever met. He’s an alien. I get to completely enjoy and love myself through him.

Christopher knows all of my darkest secrets and he still worships me. He’s also a lesson for me. It is not an instant romance. I never know when I’ll be able to see him and he doesn’t stay in regular communication. I cannot force it or make demands, he’s not one to be reined in. I have to accept what he offers, and that’s where I am at.

I do notice how I avoid my deeper issues by honing in on “acceptable” issues. Like “The man I’m in love with hasn’t text me all week” or “I’m irrationally horny and demand service.” When in reality, I am on my own and have all the power in the world to succeed or fail, and it freaks me out. There’s no prince charming coming to save me. It’s just me, saving myself.

He doesn’t know how to receive my love, yet. I know this because that’s an old part of myself. Once divorced all of my friends now ask me “What did you ever see in your ex?”

My ex-husband is not a bad guy. He mirrored where I was at that time in my life. I was holding onto the idea that a good woman feeds her husband fried chicken, stays home with the kids and is obedient.

He did not know how to give love. Which was perfect, because I never learned how to receive love. Just two broken people trying to play their roles, until one day I woke up.

 

Amy Jindra is a sacred sexuality expert, an author, and artist who resides in New York City. Find her work on linkr.ee/amy.jindra.

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