Healing

Choosing to Be a Single Mom

Do you remember who you were before society molded you?

When I was growing up, my mum used to tell me that I should behave well and not be so rebellious, otherwise no man would ever wanted to marry me. So I always felt I was different, and that made me even more eager to be who I am today, to be me,  myself and preferably by myself! But over the years, I’ve noticed that it is not what society expects from women. But still, I did it, living alone with the 3 children I had by myself.

I have never been depended on anyone but myself, that also includes being alone in pain in suffering and in despair, I guess that’s the other side of being alone. I never regret my choice to be alone for one second, even when my family, my friends, and society try so hard to make me feel I am doing something abnormal, that something must be wrong with me, or see me as a wounded deer. They’ve tried to make me feel like I must still be reeling from a bad divorce or that I had a hard life or even that I experienced childhood trauma, be a man hater, or that I have commitment issues.

As if they kept labeling you until they had an answer to something that’s clearly impossible in their minds: to be alone, to be doing well and being happy raising 3 kids all on your own. I understand it very well why people tend to see me in this way, because my beloved situation so very rare, but for me in 2019 so very hard to comprehend that people still question women when they choose to be single and happy. Cause why don’t we just accept each other the way we are and how we choose to live our lives.

A few weeks ago I read this article of a woman who was divorced with two kids and earns a living as a famous blogger and entrepreneur. She kept her divorce a secret for a year before finally announcing it after people kept asking her where her husband was. I understand you don’t want to share personal things and its very hard especially if you are sharing only the beautiful side of your life, but what surprised me the most was her answer why she didn’t want to tell anybody; because she didn’t want people to know she was a single mother and that she didn’t want people would feel sorry for her. It is that attitude that darkens the stigma of the single mother instead of owning our marital status with pride and joy.

That stigma of looking down in single mothers is not acceptable to me…let my pen be my sword!

I am a proud woman alone with kids I raise alone! My heart went out to that woman because she was so afraid to be seen as a single mother, why are we so afraid to be alone? I believe that it is society that gives you that feeling but being alone is not a bad thing in and of itself. If we keep feeling bad for being single, we will keep this stigma alive and nothing will ever change in our society.

I felt my blood boiling, because I realized that this is still the stigma and the prejudices we have of women alone and women with children raising them by themselves, till today it feels we should be ashamed of being alone and of being a single mother! That we have failed?! Maybe what if we are dangerous and after all the drama we still manage to stand up and keep moving? Has nothing changed since 1950?!!

I choose to have children by myself on my own and raise them by myself, but still until this day society doesn’t understand! First things what people ask me is what does your husband do for a living. I reply by saying, “I don’t know. I don’t have one.” And they usually respond with…”Ohh !?! So your boyfriend…what does he do?” “I have none,” I reply, in disbelief and leaving them in depths of confusion. People often ask me then why I had children with a bad man because clearly its not something you choose for but it just happened, you have to be abandoned so maybe I picked the wrong man?!

Maybe it was me I have a bad taste in man, and I like the bad boys! Than I have to explain myself and tell them that I had this desire and love inside me to have children and that I wanted to do it all alone! Than they still don’t understand and wonder if I am a lesbian? And if I am than they would understand because they are very openminded…!? Are we openminded?

No, I am not a lesbian, I just choose to be a woman alone with children.

And then they are even more confused because if you can’t convince them you will confuse them and in turn , they will ask you this: “so does he pay for the kids?!!!” And again I have to explain that nobody is paying for my children but me! Than they will stop talking for a few seconds look at me and say, “sorry love that must be so hard!!” But what about all those women who didn’t choose to do it all alone but end up alone? And what if my mum abandoned me emotionally and my father left me when I was a little girl, and men, boys, lovers disappointed me! And society, family and friends never seemed to understand me, I simply refused to be a product of my environment.

Let me tell you our kind of women is the strongest, most resilient beasts you will ever meet! And its time we start to be proud instead of being ashamed for our choices.

Because we will heal and we will overcome with SELF-love and realize that nobody is responsible for our happiness but our self, nobody can heal you because you are your own healer.

Maybe, just maybe, its time society wakes up and we start to realize there are a lot of women who just do whatever the f#*@k they want, maybe I’m a different kind of breed, or maybe we are here already for a thousands of years but nobody wanted to acknowledge that.

Because society, family, friends just don’t want to accept this kind of women, it’s just not done!? Because when a man looks at a photo of me alone relaxing at a pool in Monaco, France, he assumes I must be a gold digger.

When they ask me on a date and I decline, they become upset and they attack my differences, and assume that I must be a lesbian for sure! When I explain I am alone by choice, they start to laugh and insult me and tell me I must have a lot of dildo’s in my drawer. But than they even want me more, because now they see me as this wounded deer this lonely girl who must be so desperate for love, sex and attention.

And they will start to give that to me, they will message me and after a few casual talks they throw in the dirty talk and start to ask things like…what I prefer in bed, because now they assume I am a freak, and they are even more hungry than before! Not to date me or start a relationship or a friendship or just to try to get to know me better, no they now see an open door to disrespect me with dirty talk and assume I must be a f@*k around and most probably will give them the f@*k of the century! And that they can have easy excess to me because I’m alone, and I will tolerate one night stands and for them to treat me without respect all based on the fact that I want no relationship! After the initial confusion phase…they look inside my eyes and they see an ancient mirror, a mirror that reflects their own insecurities and every single judgement they have about the wild women! And you know what is the worst of all; all these years I thought it was me doing something wrong!! So please for all the boys wanting to be a man please do some soul work too, it’s not only a female thing! Open your mind! And us women can we please be more kind to each other and embrace our differences. That mutual acceptance is where changes begin. It is that tolerance that will open your mind and see there is more than what society expects from us or its antiquated standards for normalcy in love.  Before you assume anything, please ask first, but you might not like the answer.

Because maybe it is easier to do it all alone, raise my kids the way I want to, without asking permission or having a discussion with my husband, maybe it’s easier to live alone and not be confronted with all the issue’s you have to deal with when you have a partner.

Maybe I was too lazy or too selfish to share my energy with a partner or husband, and I wanted to discover myself and spend all the energy in doing what I like and want. Instead of worrying about his problems dealing with his drama and trying to support his goals he has for his life and postponing mine. I am entitled to choose for me first, its not selfish in my eyes, because we came into this world alone and we will leave this world alone, we are here in the first place to do our soul work.

And we can be happy without a man, I’m the living proof of that.

But it is also possible to be happy with a man, I am deeply sure of that too. Will I ever be married ? You never know, because that’s the crazy thing we call life… And I’m pretty sure to make the best of it. But it is time for women like us, the single women, the single mothers to stand up out of that muddy, melting pot society puts us in, and starting to accept this kind of breed, because let me tell you I have a feeling we are not going anywhere! And society has no other way then to accept us just the way we are… Cause sometimes the King is a Woman! Love Always, Tamara Elisabeth

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