Heal,  Journal

Awakening my Feminine By Kalen Olson


I realized something needed to change in my life at a foundational level five years ago.

At that point, nothing in my life was working. On the surface I was excelling in many areas, but something within myself was lacking. The harder I pushed in all areas of my life, the more unattached from myself I felt. This was the opposite of what the world had taught me. I thought if I pushed hard, achieved, and crossed off all of my goals everything would be just right. But something was sorely missing and I needed to figure out what it was.

The world tells us to push hard and chase after certain goals. However, when I got there, I went to the next goal and started creating a cycle of burn out. Many people are bringing to the forefront the balancing practice of the feminine and the masculine. I thought I was very feminine. I wore lipstick and enjoyed an occasional evening out with my girlfriends. This was my definition of the feminine at the time.

However, there is a softness and wildness that creates and urges us to discover a different kind of being in this world.

This was a deeper connection with the feminine that I had yet to experience. This way of being is not leading with the masculine- taking hard action all of the time, but softening into ourselves and enjoying the creative process that unfolds in life. It is the balance of lingering and doing.

After I realized something was missing, it was at that point that I began a long search for that missing piece. I devoured many books on love and various spiritual texts. I read all of the great works philosophizing life and its meaning. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I knew there was a way of life that I hadn’t yet discovered. Raised in the Lutheran church I read many beautiful passages about an unspeakable love that touches each of us personally. I had glimpsed this love at times out in nature, or with loved ones. It was fleeting and I felt the self judgement creeping back in.

During my search I picked up many books on meditation. The promised stilled mind and harmony with all of life spoke to me. I started putting in to practice various techniques. I was a chef tasting for the perfect recipe. I played with each meditation practice. Some had words, others focused on symbols in the mind. While others used music and guided inner wisdom to bring about desired peace. I appreciated the teachings of A Course In Miracles that helped release self judgement and the judgement of others through the softening into of love. I decided to keep going with this path of cultivating inner peace.

Initially the harsh tapes that played in my head started slowly softening. I was able to train my mind to start looking at certain behaviors that no longer served me and begin letting them go. My relationships were also starting to improve and my peace of mind was growing.

It wasn’t until last year when I was able to truly deepen this practice and start discovering what it really meant. Although I had made progress there were still pieces of my life I was trying to control. With the help of different teachers and continually coming back to myself, something in me finally broke open and I was able to connect with the parts of me that longed to be felt within instead of without. This was the call of the feminine.

The parts of me that wanted to be tender and move softer felt acknowledged. I basked in pieces of me and appreciated new avenues of being in the world. I watched as my paintings turned into gorgeous canvases of creative expression.

My intuition strengthened and I deepened my inner voice. Instead of leading with the masculine in myself, I was starting to lead with the feminine and parts of my life began to unfold and action was taken more effortlessly.

I looked back on the view I had of love after this deep inner work. I realized I had a similar view much of the world gives to women. I started reconstructing what that new view of love is for myself and for other women. The old narrative says that women who fit in to boxes and stay small are rewarded. If you push harder you get more. The wild ones who speak their truth and live boldly embracing creativity are spoken about negatively by other women. The new narrative I’ve been creating for myself and watching other women build is one of beauty and unapologetic creativity. Embracing all of who you are and thriving. It took me time to love my body and truly realized this is our gorgeous vessel of creating- whether it’s people or birthing new ideas into the world. The same creativity is tied to both. We must be kind to it and each other. This is the way to support each other in love.

When we sit with ourselves and tend to the spots that need it most, we come alive and our creativity starts to expand. It’s incredibly powerful. This work is important not only for me, but also for every woman and man in the world right now. For too long the world has been in a drought from not experiencing the feminine in our world and in ourselves. When we bring this aspect of ourselves to our work, to our relationships, to each other, we change. The world changes. So much of the worlds problems can be solved by accessing the feminine parts of ourselves. It’s wild, uncharted, and so needed.

I believe in this work so much and would like to share a meditation to access the feminine parts of yourself if you are wanting to deepen that area in your life.

Meditation to access the Feminine within you

Sit in a comfortable position and turn on some soft music.

Take deep breaths in and out until you come to a soft place within yourself.

It’s ok if you have thoughts going.

Once you feel like you have found a soft space hold any area of your life that feels harsh right now

or any self talk that is harsh.

Invite your inner wisdom to hold this with you in love and softness.

Gently be with those places that feel harsh in yourself and don’t try and fix or change them.

Hold yourself with tenderness and adoration and a new story just might start to emerge.

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