I started writing this last year and it got lost in my Evernote vault. I tweaked it for your enjoyment.
Online dating can be a daunting wagon for the single people who have either ran out of options out there in the real world or who are brand new to the singlesphere. It can also be an opportunity to meet new people and discover new things about ourselves. And just like for 39% of Americans in 2019, THE way to meet your future spouse (Rosenfeld, Thomas, & Hausen, 2019).
I was running on my tip toes through the NYC summer rain to avoid getting my long silky dress soaked to meet up a potential date. I had the worst feeling in my gut that evening. I knew something was awry about my date, but I didn’t want to assume anything.
What if I was wrong and the date turned out to be one of my best dates? I was 5 minutes away from the final destination, a vegan cafe in Soho when I get a message from him on OkCupid. My stomach drops ten floors: not a good sign.
A “last minute work meeting” had come up and he couldn’t meet me. The thing was his profile photo looked slightly different from the photos he had sent me on Whatsapp. But it must have been the lighting. That night, I went home and decided to find out the truth. My intuition was still telling me something was off. It would not leave me along. It took me a couple of days to figure out what was bothering my intuition, but I finally uncovered his real identity. He had taken on the profile photo and story of a Bollywood actor. Of course, he didn’t think I would find out, but he was clearly underestimating my spying skills.
Sounds familiar? Yes. I have gone on TONS of NYC first dates. 8.517 million people…what do you expect? Many good ones, a few indecent ones where I had to get up in the middle of our conversation and leave, and a few extraordinary ones. After all, we don’t need all of them to be extraordinary. We just need one that clicks…that feels home…that feels like our person.
I have spent over 5 years on and off online dating websites, so I have learned a few lessons along the way. At the end of the day, online dating is what you decide it to be. It is a neutral platform (apart from some specific platforms that I stayed away) and it reflects our unconscious world. I have met amazing, quality, genuine men through these platforms. I firmly believe that Life uses whichever medium we use to bring people who are meant to be together.
Here are a few tips to navigate the online dating world consciously and graciously.
1. Be Clear
Know what you want
1. Know what you want: only devote time to matches who actually offer what you truly desire. We cannot make anyone change into what we want in a partner. That is the road to heartbreak, and a waste of time. Are you looking for casual dating experiences or do you want a lifetime partner? Do you want a man who has not been married or do you prefer someone who already has kids? When you get clear on what it is you desire, your pool of choice in the online circuit becomes more concentrated with quality matches, and you don’t drift towards matches that don’t bring you joy and excitement about love.
You deserve to get the best match. If you believe that you have to settle for someone who is not a match for you but maybe is kind enough, or interesting enough, then you will experience just that. I did not settle for years. I am so glad I did not as my current guy treats me like a Queen and is pretty much the male version of me. We met on Bumble, in case you are wondering.
2. Use Feelings-Based Communication
Men are often disconnected from their heart throughout the day because they are in their head to get things done at work, so when they meet a woman who is centered in her heart and brings that energy to him, he softens and desires more of that feminine energy that he rarely gets accessed to on his own. Use emotive language to express your passions and what lights you up in life. Use the word “feel” as much as possible. Match his texting and energetic investment.
Use your unique experiences and passion to describe yourself. Don’t minimize yourself to make suitors comfortable. A masculine man will love and appreciate a woman who owns her existence and passions. On my profile before meeting my guy, I wrote a paragraph on my passion for writing and humanity. That always got guys so interested in my work that they would reach out to have deeper discussions. A woman with passions is deeply attractive as it shows a man that she will have her own meaning rather than being co-dependent on him for everything in her life.
3.Your Attitude Will Be Reflected Online
Get online when you are feeling good and excited about dating.
You can either see online dating as a chore and endless waste of time as you move through profiles or you can shift your attitude and perceive it as an experience to learn about other human beings. If you place pressure on the experience, the constant worry of not finding the one extraordinary profile will weigh down your experience of online dating. Instead, give yourself space and no expectations at all. Keep it playful and light.
Every time I felt down or hopeless about dating, I would always have that mood reflected in my experience online. I would stay on there for weeks without any great potential matches. When I felt excited and happy to date again, I always got more matches than I knew what do to with. If you feel exhausted from putting yourself out there, take a break and re-focus on doing you. Spend time doing what gives you innocent bliss and makes you feel like a child again (for me, it is creating my own skincare and writing) and that energy will be a far more powerful magnet than frustration and despair.
4. Be in Love Now
Have perfect faith that your partner is on his way.
Keep your energy focused on your life. Commit to being in a state of love right now. Do not wait for a man or a woman to show up for you to start experiencing a state of love. Love is an internal state first. If you do not feel in love with your life, a new date will change that at the beginning, but after the routine sets in, your authentic dissatisfaction with your life will come back. Have a loving relationship with all of the parts of you. Do the inner work to clear out old wounds so that you won’t project it onto the right man when he comes along. Then that experience of accepting yourself and creating an internal world of love will give you the necessary confidence and emotional safety to date from a conscious place: you are no longer running on emotional starvation, but you have so much to offer a whole, emotionally self-reliant woman. If a date is not a match, you will not hang onto him for dear life, but you will have enough confidence in your emotional future to walk away.
When I arrived in Utah this last August, I KNEW that I would meet an amazing man within one year. I declared it to the ether and I stayed focus on nurturing a world of love within myself, devoting my time to loving myself and creating a wondrous life that love was pouring out of my own pores. Two months later, I went on the best first date since my divorce over six years ago. What you cultivate within yourself, you will experience in your relationships. Trust that Life is preparing the both of you to meet right now.
5. Act like a Queen
Be gracious and loving.
Yes, your energy come through your dating profile. Kindly let them know you are not a match if you realize that a guy isn’t a fit after chatting for a couple of hours, instead of disappearing (which I did at first but then outgrew that pattern in favor of soul-ful interactions and kindness).
Being kind shows that you have an open heart and that you are in touch with your heart. That informs you energetic tank and state. Rudeness comes across as entitlement and bitterness, which will push away quality guys who are looking for a high value woman who holds so much love and light within herself.
Cultivate the feeling you want to experience with your King all the time so that when he comes along, you will be ready for him. I have made a lot of mistakes pushing good men away because my heart did not recognize healthy love as an attractive force; instead I went after the men who were playing hard to get because they were afraid of emotional intimacy or did not want a conscious partnership. I could not receive nor contain healthy love because I did not have a healthy relationship with my heart, only looking for the exciting, adrenaline-rushing love to avoid emotional intimacy myself because I was afraid of it. By falling for the bad boy archetype, my unconscious wounded girl was safe because she would never have to open her heart with them. They would give her just enough attention to feel that rush of early romance, but emotionally unavailable enough that she wouldn’t have to get close to them, and risk her whole heart. I can help you do the inner work if you are looking for a guide to heal your own heart, and prepare space for true love.
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Rosenfeld, M. J., Thomas, R. J., & Hausen, S. (2019). Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 116(36), 17753–17758. doi: 10.1073/pnas.1908630116